Top 5 Worst Movies of 2014

These are my “tripped over their dick and faceplanted in a pile of turds” movies of 2014.


HM – Sin City: A Dame to Kill For 
– Talk about a freaking whiff. The first Sin City just had this aura to it, and it was really good. This movie is… okay? But it just doesn’t quite have that atmosphere the most of all. Eva Green gets plenty naked in it and she’s been in my top 5 since that James Bond movie. I just think this movie was a couple years too late. And it didn’t help that we’ve seen a bunch of movies imitate this style. This spot could’ve gone to the new 300 movie. 2/5


5. Boyhood 
– There isn’t a plot. There is a theme. And its also a pretentious pile of crap. Its not a movie. Its just an achievement. A fap project for Linklater is to say “Look what I did I’m so awesome”. It starts well enough because there is a plot, then there isn’t a plot after he starts to grow up. Felt tossed together in the later years. Bad movie. 2/5


4. Transcendence 
– This might be the most boring movie I’ve seen all year. Pretty sure I’ve seen this concept like 4 times already too, just in cinema and not video games/TV. 1/5


3. Transformers: Age of Extinction 
– Booooooooo. This movie was too damn long and it went back to the well too many times. You know how like once a movie there is the shot of the humans falling and the robot saves them? Happened like 6 times. Also all the creepy stuff with the daughter. And the fact it just sucks. 1/5

amazing-spider-man-2-jamie-foxx-andrew-garfield
2. The Amazing Spiderman 2 
– BOOOOOOOOO! Franchise killer. There is like 3 movies in here with a bunch of generic crap that makes no sense or has no purpose. You know how good movies do a scene early for a payoff later? Tons of that, but no payoff. The villains suck. The plot makes no sense at all. Motivations have no sense.  1/5


1. A Million Ways to Die in the West 
– Frustratingly terrible. Not funny. All the good jokes were in the trailer. Seth McFarlane isn’t a good actor. The script sucks. The jokes repeat themselves repeatedly over and over by being retold repeatedly over and over again and again. “Sequel” issue. “Wow the guy who made Ted! Here’s a bunch of money and ALL THE FREEDOM!” and oh boy it does not work. MacFarlane has no charisma as an actor. 0/5

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Top 5 Disappointing Video Games of 2014

disappointing

These were the games that I was interested in buying a new console for, but then just sucked and helped save me like $400+. I guess thanks is in order…

HM. WWE2K15 – It has nothing going for it. Bare bones and the character models still don’t look better than Smackdown vs Raw: 2009. I’d have it higher if it was a yearly purchase for me, but the WWE games are only ever-other-year purchases for me.

5. Murdered: Soul Suspect – Really cool concepts and the story is actually pretty interesting at the fringes. But the main character is boring and I can’t describe him with actual characteristics. He’s cop-man-ghost. But it did have some pretty neat stuff like the lady who was crazy but only because it was how her ghost sister could save her life by invading her brain. Gameplay got boring after like hour 6 of “go here, look at thing, go here, fetch quest”. The game ends with a whimper after starting off pretty darn well.

4. Transformers: Rise of the Dark Spark – I quite enjoyed the previous Transformer games. They were fun. This one just totally whiffs. I don’t know what happened, but all the fun got lost.

3. NHL 15 – I don’t own it, but a friend does. I’ve played it a fair bit when I go to friends houses and play games while waiting to go drink, or when getting back from drinking. What a pile of trash. It basically has no modes and no ancillary features at launch. Also, the wind physics are a little nuts. I feel like the players are in a hair commercial at times because their sweaters are going nuts when they’re totally still.

2. Watch Dogs – There is a good foundation here for Ubisoft to improve on. The hacking is fun but it just kinda turns into GTA-but-not-as-good-as-GTA and the protagonist, whose name I forget – talk about memorable, was super bland. I couldn’t really describe him using anything besides physical features, which is an indictment of their ability to make me care. “He wears a trench coat and a hat.” Also, it’s a giant piece of shit on PC.

1. Destiny – This game is just boring. Thought it’d be the multiplayer game that’d make me buy a console. It controls well, but I never got the “itch” to keep playing. Played about 6-8 hours on my friend’s account and it was a pretty forgettable 8-9 hours. I was never a huge Halo fan, but I couldn’t deny the “woo!” you got from it. Destiny is just grindy, bland and the loot system BLOWS! Plus all that stuff about how the story was basically stripped out and placed in codexes you can only view ON THE INTERNET NOT EVEN IN GAME. Blech.

Summer Movie Review: Now with 100% more Monkeys

– Dawn of the Planet of the Apes 5/5

This movie is really good. Like really really good. I really really recommend it. The character dynamics between Gary Oldman, Jason Clarke, Andy Serkis Ape (Caesar) and Angry Ape (Koba) is terrific. It provides such a good balance and you are able to easily understand where each character is coming from.

Usually with extremist characters, you find yourself hating them because they’re cheap, but with Angry Ape and Gary Oldman you totally get it. They’re more anti-heroes than the antagonists. Like Magneto vs Professor X. More a clash of understandable ideologies than good guy vs bad guy. Continue reading

Summer Movie Review: Now with 100% more Transformers

– Transformers 4: Age of Exinction 2/5

Sigh. Well, its better than Transformers 3, and probably Transformers 2. Its just such a Michael Bay movie. I used to not really care about how crap these were, but then I saw Pacific Rim and now I have a higher standard for giant robot movies.

The movie has all the mindless action you could want and it does look terrific. The 3D works and the shots are all focused nicely. And unlike the earlier movies, you can tell what is happening more often than not. The evil robots are designed nicer and more like robots and not jagged metal creatures.

The characters in this movie at least stick around/get some sense of closure for the most part and my groan-counter capped at like 6 or 7 which is pretty good for Michael Bay. His new jailbait is hot and he makes sure you know that, and Marky Mark >>> Shia Lebouf. Not enough Dinobots.

The plot falls apart, I mean really badly even for a Transformers movie, in the last hour of this 3 hour escapade. I won’t get into spoilers, but its glaring.

All in all, this is a popcorn movie.  But no pop because you’ll have to take a piss, but you probably, who am I kidding, won’t missing anything of consequence.

Other reviews:

A Million Ways to Die in the West 0/5
Godzilla 5/5
X-Men: Days of Future Past  4/5
The Amazing Spiderman 2 1/5
Trailer Park Boys: Don’t Legalize It 4/5
Captain America: The Winter Soldier 5/5
The Raid 3/5
Need for Speed 3/5
300: Rise of an Empire 3/5

To Come

– Son of Batman (DVD) May 6
– Transformers 4: Age of Extinction June 27
– Hercules July 25
– Guardians of the Galaxy August 1
– Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles August 8
– 
Batman: Assault on Arkham (DVD) August 12
– The Expendables 3 August 15
– Sin City: A Dame to Kill For August 22

Summer Movie Review: Now with 100% more Godzooki!

– Godzilla 5/5

Extremely well put together. One of the reasons I liked Pacific Rim so much compared to Transformers is that you knew what was going on. There wasn’t just a bunch of visual and audible noise going nuts all the time. Legendary kept that up in this film.

The sense of scale was very well done to show just how helpless we’d be. Like when a human pours ant-killer in an ant-hill. They can’t do jack because we’re just so much bigger.

Also well done was the fact that the monsters really paid no attention to the humans, let alone the main hero guy. There was only 1 scene where he made eye contact with the monster. One, and it wasn’t long and drawn out and to show how tough humans are. It just happens, and dude craps his pants like all of us would.

The movie does take a while to get going although I didn’t really mind the way I do with other films. There were also tons of small imagery things that I’m not sure how many people but the biggest super-nerds would pick up on.

Note: Imagine if Godzilla/monsters reacted to humans the same way that some people do that are scared of bugs? That would be hilarious.

Note note: I would have loved to be in the pitch meeting. “Okay, Pacific Rim went over well. We did giant monsters v giant robots! Yeah woohoo! So, now, the logical next step is… MONSTERS ONLY AND NO ROBOTS!” (Yes, I know. Godzilla and all but still.)

– A Million Ways to Die in the West 0/5

Awful.

  1. Seth McFarlane isn’t a good actor.
  2. The script sucks.
  3. The jokes repeat themselves repeatedly over and over by being retold repeatedly over and over.
  4. Classic “sequel” issue. “Wow the guy who made Ted! Here’s a bunch of money and ALL THE FREEDOM!” and oh boy it does not work. Ted had a lot of charm to it, this movie is just like having Godzilla blast your ass with his atomic fire breath.

Do not watch.

Other reviews:

X-Men: Days of Future Past  4/5
The Amazing Spiderman 2 1/5
Trailer Park Boys: Don’t Legalize It 4/5
Captain America: The Winter Soldier 5/5
The Raid 3/5
Need for Speed 3/5
300: Rise of an Empire 3/5

To Come

– Son of Batman (DVD) May 6
– Transformers 4: Age of Extinction June 27
– Hercules July 25
– Guardians of the Galaxy August 1
– Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles August 8
– 
Batman: Assault on Arkham (DVD) August 12
– The Expendables 3 August 15
– Sin City: A Dame to Kill For August 22