Review Medley: Don’t Breathe in a Sausage Party with the Lights Out

Lights Out 4/5

Such a god damn cool concept. The monsters ability or whatever you want to call it is so cool and is used in such a great way. There are some great scenes you could tell the director came up with and built the movie around, and it works!

I don’t like horror movies and I get scared easy in them. But everyone else seemed to be scared too. I was scared. I’m not a fan of being scared. But this was still a good movie.

I was confused for a little during the movie previews when Don’t Breathe had it’s trailer played. I thought I was seeing a trailer for the movie I was sitting in.

Still though, good movie. Good scary.

Sausage Party 4.5/5

I love animated kids movies because they’re fun and creative, and this has awesome funny adult stuff all over it. Even better!

I’m pretty hit or miss with Seth Rogen as I’ve never really found “the joke is that he’s smoking weed!” or “dicks!” hilarious in his films. They almost get Adam Sandler-y in that if you’ve seen a couple, you’ve seen all of them.

But this was funny! Very creative, awesome puns, great jokes and the concepts and realization of the ideas are terrific.

I’ll probably watch this movie another two or three times because there is so much going on in the background. Every time you watch the movie you’ll probably see something new going on.

You will never unsee what that turnip does ever again.

Don’t Breathe 4.5/5

Terryfing, thrilling, suspenseful and I basically crapped my pants so often I should have been wearing adult diapers to make it a bit cleaner.

This isn’t a horror movie but a great thriller/drama or whatever. All the actors are really good and how small and self contained the movie is really helps add to the tension.

If you’re familiar with the Daredevil Netflix series, then imagine Stick going ham on some kids.

Its a little bit less fantastical than since the… antagonist blind man is more regular dude who is badass than a ninja.

The sound design is excellent. Stephen Lang is excellent. The dumb kids are excellent.

Its unsure who you’re really rooting for. The Kids are turdballs that break and enter with intent to burglar. I think its something that makes the movie so compelling. You’re equally like “go Blind man!” and “RUN KIDS RUN!”

Previously:

To Come (at some point):

  • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out Of The Shadows
  • Batman: The Killing Joke
  • Keanu (currently on VOD)
  • XOXO (Netflix)
  • Central Intelligence (VOD)
  • The Accountant (October)
  • Jack Reacher: Never Go Back (October)
  • Doctor Strange (November)
  • Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (December)
  • Assassins Creed (December)

Mabes To Come:

  • Sully
  • Magnificent Seven
  • Snowden
  • Blair Witch
  • Keeping Up With The Joneses

Suicide Squad? More Like Yeah That Was Enjoyable Squad

Suicide Squad 3.7/5

This movie isn’t bad. It sure kicks the balls off of Man of Steel and Batman v Superman: Dawn of AIDs. Its the best DC Extended Universe movie we’ve seen yet.

I enjoyed the movie. Your mileage may vary on whether this is a 2.5 or a 4.5 but its not bad. It takes Xmen: Apocalypse behind the shed and sends it the way of Lassie. It slaps Amazing Spiderman 2 like it is owed money.

This movie is well, well better than trash like Independence Day: Resurgence and Legend of Tarzan. Its at least on par with both Thor films.

Lets start with The Good:

  • The characters feel like real characters. They also feel like bad guys. Because they’ve done bad stuff and aren’t just good guys who done gone a wrong once.
  • I have seen a lot of people be mad that this group of terrible, horrible, not good, very bad people would include men who sexually ogle Harley Quinn in her fishnets and booty shorts, and make passes at other women loosely. As well as crack wise with snips of racism tossed in there. Yeah, I’m stunned a bunch of criminals aren’t morally righteous like a real Superman or Captain America.
  • Those scenes are a few of the times that our scumbag criminals feel like scumbag criminals. I actually really liked the scenes where the scumbags felt like scumbags. It made them feel like real characters.
  • All your squad members, except one, have backstory and varying levels of arc so they aren’t terrible, boring, flat characters like in Ghostbusters. Every character is good.
  • This movie has roughly 8ish or more characters that it needs to establish. It does a damn good job of doing so.
  • It takes the world it lives in seriously. I love that. They aren’t like “Derp magic witch wut thats dumb omg its real wtf so cray”. There is no “I’m Ant-Man😦. I know my name is lame.” They’re just like “Yup, that sword steals the spirits of whoever it kills. And yeah thats a 6000+ year old witch. And this guy is basically son of Satan.”
  • It plays the stuff straight. Its great universe building. Little stuff is explained so well and there are some cool ass camera shots. Plus little touches here and there (like the Joker’s goons) that are delightful to see.
  • I thought Harley Quinn was going to be unbearable and ditzy, but she’s just cooky enough that the zingers and one liners work. It would have been easy for them to go to the Nth degree with “crazy girl” and they didn’t.
  • Will Smith is living charisma as Deadshot. I also thought they might one-note him as the cocky, hired gun. But he’s dope.
  • I really enjoyed Jared Leto’s Joker being an entirely different Joker than we’ve seen yet. Being the biggest, baddest mob boss is fitting and the character pulls from the more androgynous and expressive/animated comic portrayals.

Now onto The Meh:

  • This could have been so much better with an R rating. It didn’t need a ton of F bombs or boobs to make it better, but the violence is strangely glorified and also muted. Letting them go whole hamhock on it would have been delightful in a Kingsman sort of way. When you have R rated villains as your protagonist, let them be R.
  • The plot may have been a teeny bit generic, but it serves as a good backdrop to get the characters through the dealio.
  • Another blue laser into the sky… but the blue laser did something for once. But still, blue laser into the sky.
  • I wasn’t too crazy about parts of the final fight scene. Power usage and strength levels kind of did a Mortal Kombat where powers and who can beat up who got a little muggy. It kind of made bits of the ending a thinky-face emoji.
  • I would have liked a Joker scene that I could instantly put into conversation with Mark Hamill and Heath Ledger. You didn’t quite get that but I still really liked it. The Joker was a supporting character in this movie and is treated as such. Its a bit unusual, but it works.
  • I generally liked the villain, but a bit less CGI would have helped. There were times that things looked a little awkward or too clean and that takes you out of it.
  • The soundtrack was fine and fun, but then it didn’t keep up. Like after having music playing for like the first 60% of the movie in and out, it just goes away at the end. You gotta commit to that or tone it way down at the start.

And finally, The Bad:

  • F*ck that post credits scene. That scene did more to establish Bruce Wayne as the go-getter for the Justice League than like the 20 minutes that BvS wasted to do the same thing. So it was good, but like bad too. It was so good it made a part of another movie bad.
  • I don’t like Amanda Waller. There is a scene where I just basically quit on the character.
  • Mook villains is as mook villains does. They didn’t quite make sense in terms of their abilities and how they fought.
  • I understand people’s qualms about pacing and editing. There was some stuff that was a bit disjointed, but it was fine enough all together. I’m really curious as to what David Ayer’s original edit was. It never felt as bad as Fantastic Four, but there were a few times it was a little sandpapery.
  • Probably could have done without some characters getting up to like three or four intro scenes. But they spent the money to shoot them so they gotta be in it I guess.
  • I hate random slow-mo in fight scenes. I hate how every DC movie needs to have that because Zack Snyder is/was the head honcho of the entire thing. There are a couple shots during the big fight at the end that didn’t need to be slow-mo or had to be held onto as long as they were.

Overall: Its a good comic book movie. Gonna let you in on a secret. I watch all comic book movies once with bros/on a date. Then my mom asks if she would enjoy it. If yes, I get to go again with my mom. If I say no, then we don’t. I’m batting 100% on this so far.

But with this one, I don’t know. I think she may enjoy it, I can see why she wouldn’t and will settle for me explaining the entire thing to her over dinner.

This one is 50-50. A coin toss. I liked it. I don’t know why its reviewing so poorly. I listed a bunch of movies that were well worse above in my opinion.

If you’re one of the people who reads my reviews and is like “ur dumb and wat is wrong wit moviez now and ppl like u r ruining cinema” then hump and stump and go see Star Trek (or some insufferable indie flick about how no one really understands life, man) instead.

I think its good.

Previously:

To Come (at some point):

  • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out Of The Shadows
  • Batman: The Killing Joke
  • Sausage Party (August 12)

 

Jason Bourne Is So Cool And Mostly So Is His Movie

Jason Bourne 3.5/5

It isn’t my favourite Matt Damon Bourne movie, but its definitely in the top four.

I really like the “Old Man ____” storyline whenever it happens. Old Man Logan, Old man James Bond in Skyfall and the Die Hard movies to some degree. One of my favourite Power Rangers episodes is where old Rangers are called back into duty and they’re like “I’m too old for this” despite being canonically like 25. I really like how over the Marvel movies you’re see Tony Stark become Old Man Tony Stark.

I liked catching up with Jason as he lives out his life. What does an expertly trained super spy do when he’s retired and rogue? Well he trophy fights because everyone he gets close to gets shot by high powered rifles.

The action is good. I always enjoy how creative and inventive the espionage and fight scenes are. Really goes to show how well Bourne was trained. Makes me wanna kick some ass with like a paper plate, clothes hanger and a stapler or something.

Tommy Lee Jones plays the same kind of old white antagonist as the other films, but why mess with the formula?

Alicia Vikander’s character was okay. Maybe it was her accent that was putting me off? Something didn’t click all the way for me, but the character came well around by the end of the film. There is something about the super hacker that is just inherently lame. Same for Vincent Cassel as the Asset. Maybe it was because I kept having Ocean’s 12 flashbacks when I saw him.

The whole social media privacy NSA secrecy spying kind of story in general

Overall, I think there just wasn’t enough Bourne doing cool Bourne in it. He didn’t kidnap anyone and yell at them or anything or do the cool watching the secret office of government people when they don’t know he is. He did very little spy/infiltration stuff relative to the other films, but a whole lot of driving cars in wicked scenes and punching dudes. Maybe that had to do with him being Old Man Bourne.

Good time, worth your money at least on a cheap Tuesday. Or on a Wednesday if you hate crowds.

Previously:

To Come (at some point):

  • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out Of The Shadows
  • Batman: The Killing Joke
  • Suicide Squad (August 5)
  • Sausage Party (August 12)

Star Trek: Beyond Is As Star Trek As 2016 Will Give You

Star Trek: Beyond 4.5/5

This is the best Star Trek movie I’ve seen, and I’ve seen three! Wonderful touches of great action set pieces, character moments, pacing, fun and humour. This is what good movies is!

There are lots of little character moments that make you give a care about the characters. There are some really well set ups that pay off nicely and make sense. There is Beastie Boys music and Public Enemy and it both totally fits the tone of the film when it is used. Yeah wrap your head around that one!

Its weird to say that a movie that has two giant space ship fights with explosions en mass feels scaled back, but it does. The story feels very confined. I always like movies that feel like they’re almost happening in real time.

The story takes two thirds classic Star Trek (I’m told by numerous dork friends), a healthy scoop of Mass Effect 2 (right down to Admiral Shala’Ran vas Tonbay being on an admiral type committee), a pinch of The Fast and The Furious and stir it all together with writers and actors that cared. (Maybe even a little Mars Attacks).

Every character gets their own little moment to shine. Many that used to have nothing to do actually have things to do! One thing that is good in all these films is the cast. They all have chemistry and seem to enjoy their screen time.

It always makes me happy to see Karl Urban on a movie screen.

Even the evil alien played by Idris Elba was done pretty good. And he acts pretty well through some serious make up/prosthetics. Or CGI. Whatever it is. It works and he’s great as an actor.

I like how this movie felt different than Star Wars and Guardians of the Galaxy. Really felt like its own thing.

If you can see this in Imax, do it. Space movies are good in Imax. I like space. Space movies are so cool. Space video games are dope. More stuff should be in outer space! (Can’t wait for Fast and Furious 9 where they race cars on the moon and explode Mars or something).

But seriously, this movie is just damn good.

I can’t wait for more Star Trek if they’re gonna be this good.

Previously:

To Come (at some point):

  • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out Of The Shadows
  • Batman: The Killing Joke
  • Jason Bourne (July 29)
  • Suicide Squad (August 5)
  • Sausage Party (August 12)

Movie Cleanup: Tarzan, Warcraft, Popstar

Gonna do these quick hit style. Literally copy and pasting these from texts and Facebook messages while touching them up a little.

The Legend of Tarzan 2.5/5

Its whatever. It isn’t fair to compare this to the Jungle Book, but I will because they’re both set in the jungle with animals and stuff. So after seeing the Jungle Book, this movie is a totally:/

And I know he’s Tarzan but he fist fights a silverback at one point. And I didn’t like the whole business man type thingy sorta thingy thing going on. It was just a lame mess of CGI and noise on the screen. If every colour wasn’t so washed out on screen I probably would have enjoyed it more. I should like that kind of movie, but I didn’t.

Warcraft 2.5/5

War is Craft was totally dope ass bad ass plain bad fun. Like a less terrible Gods of Egypt. The orc scenes were terrific, but the scenes where the humans interact with them weren’t great. Its Star Wars prequel-esque in that regard. you can tell the actors were told “there is a big monster in front of you” and they don’t have anything to act off of.

Also the sexy orc lady isn’t sexy (I’m a big fan of good teeth) but there was some dork ass nerd in the theatre who I heard tell his buddy “yeah i’ve seen it 4 times already” and on the way out he was like “she’s so hot” and I’m walking out listening to this like BRUH and thought of this video.

I don’t know what else to really say about it.

Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping 3.5/5

Considering I was probably like one of the 76 people who saw this movie, you should listen to my belated opinion. It was good. Funny. Lots of cameos, jokes, skits. But good. Very enjoyable 90 minutes and a lot of Spinal Tap references.

Previously:

To Come (at some point):

  • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out Of The Shadows
  • Batman: The Killing Joke
  • Jason Bourne (July 29)
  • Suicide Squad (August 5)
  • Sausage Party (August 12)