Top 5 Worst Movies of 2014

These are my “tripped over their dick and faceplanted in a pile of turds” movies of 2014.

HM – Sin City: A Dame to Kill For 
– Talk about a freaking whiff. The first Sin City just had this aura to it, and it was really good. This movie is… okay? But it just doesn’t quite have that atmosphere the most of all. Eva Green gets plenty naked in it and she’s been in my top 5 since that James Bond movie. I just think this movie was a couple years too late. And it didn’t help that we’ve seen a bunch of movies imitate this style. This spot could’ve gone to the new 300 movie. 2/5

5. Boyhood 
– There isn’t a plot. There is a theme. And its also a pretentious pile of crap. Its not a movie. Its just an achievement. A fap project for Linklater is to say “Look what I did I’m so awesome”. It starts well enough because there is a plot, then there isn’t a plot after he starts to grow up. Felt tossed together in the later years. Bad movie. 2/5

4. Transcendence 
– This might be the most boring movie I’ve seen all year. Pretty sure I’ve seen this concept like 4 times already too, just in cinema and not video games/TV. 1/5

3. Transformers: Age of Extinction 
– Booooooooo. This movie was too damn long and it went back to the well too many times. You know how like once a movie there is the shot of the humans falling and the robot saves them? Happened like 6 times. Also all the creepy stuff with the daughter. And the fact it just sucks. 1/5

2. The Amazing Spiderman 2 
– BOOOOOOOOO! Franchise killer. There is like 3 movies in here with a bunch of generic crap that makes no sense or has no purpose. You know how good movies do a scene early for a payoff later? Tons of that, but no payoff. The villains suck. The plot makes no sense at all. Motivations have no sense.  1/5

1. A Million Ways to Die in the West 
– Frustratingly terrible. Not funny. All the good jokes were in the trailer. Seth McFarlane isn’t a good actor. The script sucks. The jokes repeat themselves repeatedly over and over by being retold repeatedly over and over again and again. “Sequel” issue. “Wow the guy who made Ted! Here’s a bunch of money and ALL THE FREEDOM!” and oh boy it does not work. MacFarlane has no charisma as an actor. 0/5

Summer Movie Review: Now with 100% more Godzooki!

– Godzilla 5/5

Extremely well put together. One of the reasons I liked Pacific Rim so much compared to Transformers is that you knew what was going on. There wasn’t just a bunch of visual and audible noise going nuts all the time. Legendary kept that up in this film.

The sense of scale was very well done to show just how helpless we’d be. Like when a human pours ant-killer in an ant-hill. They can’t do jack because we’re just so much bigger.

Also well done was the fact that the monsters really paid no attention to the humans, let alone the main hero guy. There was only 1 scene where he made eye contact with the monster. One, and it wasn’t long and drawn out and to show how tough humans are. It just happens, and dude craps his pants like all of us would.

The movie does take a while to get going although I didn’t really mind the way I do with other films. There were also tons of small imagery things that I’m not sure how many people but the biggest super-nerds would pick up on.

Note: Imagine if Godzilla/monsters reacted to humans the same way that some people do that are scared of bugs? That would be hilarious.

Note note: I would have loved to be in the pitch meeting. “Okay, Pacific Rim went over well. We did giant monsters v giant robots! Yeah woohoo! So, now, the logical next step is… MONSTERS ONLY AND NO ROBOTS!” (Yes, I know. Godzilla and all but still.)

– A Million Ways to Die in the West 0/5


  1. Seth McFarlane isn’t a good actor.
  2. The script sucks.
  3. The jokes repeat themselves repeatedly over and over by being retold repeatedly over and over.
  4. Classic “sequel” issue. “Wow the guy who made Ted! Here’s a bunch of money and ALL THE FREEDOM!” and oh boy it does not work. Ted had a lot of charm to it, this movie is just like having Godzilla blast your ass with his atomic fire breath.

Do not watch.

Other reviews:

X-Men: Days of Future Past  4/5
The Amazing Spiderman 2 1/5
Trailer Park Boys: Don’t Legalize It 4/5
Captain America: The Winter Soldier 5/5
The Raid 3/5
Need for Speed 3/5
300: Rise of an Empire 3/5

To Come

– Son of Batman (DVD) May 6
– Transformers 4: Age of Extinction June 27
– Hercules July 25
– Guardians of the Galaxy August 1
– Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles August 8
Batman: Assault on Arkham (DVD) August 12
– The Expendables 3 August 15
– Sin City: A Dame to Kill For August 22