Ass Ass Ins Creed: Kinda Ass, and Why Video Game Movies Are Bad


Before the review, I wanted to let my followers here in on an update. I’m probably moving my work more permanently over to

I got recruited to the site and they offered to pay me.

Nothing is really changing, I’m just moving platforms.

Secondly, thanks. Because of everyone that is here and followed me to help promote my posts so they showed up in the algorithm and I’ve gotten this chance.

I really appreciate the people that have bothered to click follow on a random guy in northern Canada’s quickly written and poorly edited movie ramblings.

I’ll post here still, but largely just an anecdote and hyper-link to the Creators platform, where I hope you come follow me.

Assassin’s Creed: I don’t know/5

I don’t even know if I liked this movie. It started off choppy, slow and kinda boring. Got quite good, especially right before the climax, but then ended anticlimactically. A real sequel fisher of an ending.

The more I think of it, the more I’m not surprised that this comes to us from Fox as I can just feel bits of X-Men: Apocalypse and Fantastic Four in the way its put together.

I haven’t paid close attention to the Assassin’s Creed games since the end of Ezio’s time. I own AC3, its in the plastic. I own AC4, its part of my un-downloaded library on Steam.

But I was still a really big fan of the games. Annual releases drained me a bit, and I’ve kinda tuned out of video games in general outside of a few titles. But something that really put me off keeping Assassin’s Creed in my circle of attention was that they stopped having focus on the present day storyline and Desmond. I liked the past, but I liked how it tied to the present just as much. I liked the end goal it presented.

If the reason they started to pare that away from the games was so that it could all go into the movie I just watched, well… maybe it wasn’t such a bad thing. It hits at parts, but it definitely misses too.

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Top 5 Best Video Games of 2014


These were the games that I loved the most. Mainly PC.

HM. Five Nights at Freddies – This game is a better laxative than anything you can get at the pharmacy. I didn’t quite understand the mechanics my first time playing it, and when I failed I shrieked like one of the test subjects from that old Dead Space commercial. Still haven’t beat this game yet. Can’t get passed night 4.

HM. The Wolf Among Us – I love whodunnits. This was a good whodunnit with TellTale doing their thing in a really interesting universe. I couldn’t get enough after episode one but managed to make myself wait until they’d finally released all the episodes to play it in succession. I want to go back and play so badly now that I’m writing this.

5. Wolfenstein: The New Order – Awesome awesome awesome. It was such a nice break from games that force you to brain-think about morals. 90% of games now feel like they’re going for “shades of grey”. No grey here. You’re the hero. Fight the bad guy. At one point I was dual wielding laser sniper rifles on the moon shooting Nazi zombie robots. THIS. IS. VIDEO GAMES!

4. South Park: The Stick of Truth – A surprisingly strong RPG with neat combat, awesome humour and a fun story mode. A little bummed we never got  DLC pack at the mall. Still though, this game was worth the money. I really enjoyed how it just simplified things in a early Final Fantasy style and the town is surprisingly large with a lot of areas, collectibles and Canada!

3. Mario Kart 8 – The only racing game franchise that is actually fun where you feel like you can actually make up position when you get behind. Plus all the different weight classes and vehicle types. Roy’s my boy! Also great for drinking games.

1b. Middle Earth: Shadow of Mordor – This was like 5% Assassins Creed, 95% Batman. But better than many of the recent installments, I’ve played, of either. The combat was so much freaking fun! To see blood and limbs and heads fly when you finish someone off that really makes an impact compared to breaking legs or leaving baby stab wounds. Also, the nemesis system was so fun and added so much to the game.

1a. Dragon Age: Inquisition – As much as I did tear a strip off this game, I still had a ton of fun over such a long period playing this game this year. The world is big and beautiful. The characters are probably DA’s best cast. I enjoyed the combat and crafting and leveling system. The story was kinda… “lost” but that happens in open world games. Just look at Fallout/Skyrim. Whats the story? I played a lot of Fallout 3 and New Vegas and still only kinda know. The controls need work on PC, but I still made them work quite easily as I’m not a crybaby.

Top 5 Anticipated Video Games of 2015


These are the games giving me gamer wood for the next 12 months.

HM. Mirrors Edge 2 – I just hope EA doesn’t have it go all GUNS GUNS and just keeps it to the first game but just newer and better.

5. Witcher 3: Wild Hunt – Curious to see how this turns out. I really do wonder if they are in above their heads. I liked Witcher 2 but I wasn’t quite blown away by it. I’m really beginning to tire of “shades of grey” decision-making in games. Not everyone can do it like TellTale. But this will be my 2015 time-sink RPG the same way Dragon Age: Inquisition was.

4. Rise of the Tomb Raider – The first game was fun. I hope this one is more fun. I liked how in Tomb Raider Lara wasn’t already asskicker 3000 but you had to build her up to it. It controlled well and the puzzles were fun. More of that with a better, or at least less predictable, story and I’ll be very happy.

3. Kingdom Hearts 3 – Kingdom Hearts is just plain fun. I used to play KH2 with my ex-girlfriend and it was just plain fun. Swimming around with Ariel and Goofy. I’m PUMPED to see what the Marvel Universe world and Star Wars world bring to this game. Even curious about Tangled/Frozen/Big Hero 6. Fun must be always!

2. Arkham Knight – Batman is awesome. The Batman games are pretty good. I loved Asylum. Loved parts of City and Origins. As much as I’m put off by the Bat-Tank, I still can’t wait to break legs and hang baddies upside down. I love the combat so much. If they can take some of what works from Shadow of Mordor and incorporate it back into this game… holy moly! My pants are tight…

1. Mortal Kombat X – I am buying a PS4 just for this game. I can’t wait to rip people into small pieces. I love Mortal Kombat so much. Can’t wait to see where the story goes. Sub Zero 4 lyfe! Scorpion blows.

Top 5 Disappointing Video Games of 2014


These were the games that I was interested in buying a new console for, but then just sucked and helped save me like $400+. I guess thanks is in order…

HM. WWE2K15 – It has nothing going for it. Bare bones and the character models still don’t look better than Smackdown vs Raw: 2009. I’d have it higher if it was a yearly purchase for me, but the WWE games are only ever-other-year purchases for me.

5. Murdered: Soul Suspect – Really cool concepts and the story is actually pretty interesting at the fringes. But the main character is boring and I can’t describe him with actual characteristics. He’s cop-man-ghost. But it did have some pretty neat stuff like the lady who was crazy but only because it was how her ghost sister could save her life by invading her brain. Gameplay got boring after like hour 6 of “go here, look at thing, go here, fetch quest”. The game ends with a whimper after starting off pretty darn well.

4. Transformers: Rise of the Dark Spark – I quite enjoyed the previous Transformer games. They were fun. This one just totally whiffs. I don’t know what happened, but all the fun got lost.

3. NHL 15 – I don’t own it, but a friend does. I’ve played it a fair bit when I go to friends houses and play games while waiting to go drink, or when getting back from drinking. What a pile of trash. It basically has no modes and no ancillary features at launch. Also, the wind physics are a little nuts. I feel like the players are in a hair commercial at times because their sweaters are going nuts when they’re totally still.

2. Watch Dogs – There is a good foundation here for Ubisoft to improve on. The hacking is fun but it just kinda turns into GTA-but-not-as-good-as-GTA and the protagonist, whose name I forget – talk about memorable, was super bland. I couldn’t really describe him using anything besides physical features, which is an indictment of their ability to make me care. “He wears a trench coat and a hat.” Also, it’s a giant piece of shit on PC.

1. Destiny – This game is just boring. Thought it’d be the multiplayer game that’d make me buy a console. It controls well, but I never got the “itch” to keep playing. Played about 6-8 hours on my friend’s account and it was a pretty forgettable 8-9 hours. I was never a huge Halo fan, but I couldn’t deny the “woo!” you got from it. Destiny is just grindy, bland and the loot system BLOWS! Plus all that stuff about how the story was basically stripped out and placed in codexes you can only view ON THE INTERNET NOT EVEN IN GAME. Blech.

Why I Am Disappointed in Dragon Age: Inquisition

First, I enjoy the game. I really do. Its well put together and I don’t feel like I was cheated out of my money upon completion, as far as cut content/withheld content for a later date/etc.

I still give it an 8 or 9/10, but…

But I’m still disappointed. Other people seem to be bugged by little things that piled up.  Other people seemed to be bugged because it isn’t Origins 2.0.

I’m just bugged and disappointed because I felt like I was lied to. I paid too much attention to the demos/interviews. It stems from this general statement,

“We learned our mistakes! Only showing and sharing 100% complete and in the game things!”

They kept going on about how they had learned lessons from previous releases and the whole reason they weren’t showing us anything about this game at first was because they didn’t want to show us anything unless it was working and was for sure going to be in the game.  And then they showed us things that are not in the game.


Choice Missions

No choice missions to save the town/citadel.

I’m actually really disappointed that after seeing the footage of protecting a fort or choosing the village, that it isn’t in the game. Especially since they talked about how “To avoid false expectations we’re only going to show things that are 100% in the game” or whatever it was Mike or Mark said.

Someone else on BSN said this:

Either we get a game in which our choices matter and create multiple and widely divergent endings (but with those choices being retconned or resolved in external media because it would be too much work for one game) or we get a game in which our choices don’t really matter or only result in a few mildly different endings that can be carried over to the next installment without too much of a headache for the writers/developers.

I’m totally cool with option 2, but let my dumb little things that are cosmetic have an impact. (ie, Templar tower, troop armor, sparring grounds/infirmary, etc.)

I get that the big story ones have to be a bit more linear for the sake of future games, but the dumb ones that don’t mean squat the second I get the “You are Winner” screen should do something. The ones that become codex level, if that, in future games should be more visible for the sake of “I did something”.

Clothing/Armor Customization

I remember when they were doing E3 interviews and stuff, they talked about how we could add dyes to our clothes and armor and minions armor. “You can pick these! Multiple outfits! Etc.”

Well, there is no ability to add dyes to your/others/minions armors. There is no way to customize your minions appearance. There is no set of casual outfits to pick from.

I hate looking at my soldiers and scouts run around in ugly armor and booger coloured tunics. After like 90 hours, the grey pajamas got tiring. Even adjusting it to blue/red/black would’ve been great.

I don’t enjoy making armor with the perfect stats, only for it to be soft pink, bright yellow, green and grey. That blows. I have to look at this monstrosity. I found myself wearing under leveled or situation inappropriate armor just because it didn’t look like vomit. Even a basic Minecraft level dye system would’ve been acceptable.

“You collected a Spindleweed” then go to a table “crushed Spindleweed into red dye” then “dying this armor requires 20 Spindleweed dyes”. Totally fine. I can fart and the gas will find 6 Spindleweeds in some places.

I’m not certain on other armor options, but for heavy armor for a warrior I basically had 2 different coat options the entire game with small differences. Lame. I wanted some big cool looking plate armor.


Skyhold doesn’t actually change let alone ever get fixed. Still have busted ass walls and garbage laying all over the place.

Before each upgrade, I made a save and went to both options to see which I liked more.

Gathered the materials required to upgrade my main tower. After I finally found the “upgraded” main tower, I feel like I wasted my time. I was told I’d get some killer badass Templar tower. I got three small rooms. My Templars don’t even use it as a hang out. Like 3 guys are there.

I also had a hard time finding it. Usually, the little upgrade… kiosk(?) is right next to it. Not that time. I had a hard time finding it, which means it’s really not that noticeable. I had been doing a Google free playthrough, but had to do it because I needed to know where it was.

When I picked mage tower, I thought that the mages would use it. Nope, still sitting in my library. Schematics or an awesome staff in a chest would have been awesome, but nope.

I’ve also upgraded the chantry garden area, only to get a few flower pots in one corner. So then I decided to try the Chantry upgrade. It was… a few statues. But I get more gold from people making donations! Except there is no way to tell if this is true or not. There is no collection plate and I don’t have any random gold deposits happening when I’m out or when I get back to Skyhold.

If we’re going to upgrade Skyhold, please make it more useful. For example, if I decide I want the main tower to accommodate mages, then perhaps include unique mage gear/schematics in a treasure chest there.  If we upgrade the garden, it could provide exclusive reagents for a powerful potion/tonic/grenade.

Also why the hell won’t the walls of Skyhold ever be full repaired? Parts of it were fixed as I progressed through the game but then I still have like 2-3 busted towers and broken walls. Why did they clean up my room, added nice new furniture…  but didn’t even bother to remove the bricks from the stairs leading up to my chambers? There are spider webs and bits of lumber lying everywhere.

There are holes in the walls, can’t they patch that up? I have like a gajillion gold and tons of alliances. Are you telling me I ran out of mortar?

Poor Cullen doesn’t have a roof above his bed. Its just busted. I’m on top of a mountain in a snowy area. How is homedawg supposed to sleep?

Finally, the training grounds vs the infirmary. I went with the sparring grounds, which actually did something. I have a little sparring ring. I noticed it. Neat. It did absolutely nothing else, but hey I actually noticed this one. I can pretend my soldiers are getting better.

Reloaded, went with the infirmary and I couldn’t find the new infirmary. I thought all those tents out front would be improved, nope. Turns out it was that broken down building next to requisitions. I think there is three whole beds.

Heck, if it gave me an extra military perk for the sparring ring or an extra diplomacy perk for the infirmary, then it would be a thing at least. There were 3 upgrading choices. Could make it 2-2-2 across the ones your advisors represent. Or even doing it in general just unlocked a freebie perk.



They hyped the reactivity of the game and it turned out just to be idle NPC chatter/skins.

You now have a Templar standing there. In Templar regalia despite the fact you abolished the Templar order and said they are just fancy Inqusition soliders.

I haven’t had one quests be different because I’m a reaver or noticed, from what I’ve discussed with friends/BSNers who played different races, any race specific quests. Again, this was stuff we were told we were getting. I remember reading the blog or forum post or whatever Gaider or Laidlaw talked about it in. “No origins but you’ll have race specific side quests/race will open up specific branches in missions… Limited specializations because now NPC’s and quests will be different based off your specialization! We’re only telling you this because its 100% in the game!”

At most I got a couple things that were different at the war table, I’m assuming, or a couple throwaway lines of dialogue. “Oh you’re nobility so you understand noble stuff.” Okay then. That’s not bad. But no missions. Were the like… two(?) war tables mission my specific ones for being a human noble? Is that really a “mission”?

Was that my special reaver centric mission I can only get as a reaver?

I kept waiting and waiting for that stuff to happen and then nope. I’m like 100 hours in and nada. Only have the last main story mission to finish and a few random “put the thing here” quests.


I kept thinking “Oh, they must be holding that feature until I get to Skyhold. That makes sense!”

But it isn’t there.  At all. “We’re showing you because its in the game!” Nope. It isn’t. I don’t even think that region from the demo where you could save the town/keep is in the game now that I look back at it.

“We wanted it to be worthwhile but we ran out of time…” You delayed the game twice. Maybe cut two of the couple completely needless areas and spend that time on doing what you told me you were going to do.

This isn’t even getting into the busted ass PC controls and poor MP loot design.