Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides Sucks.

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Getting through the work week thinking “paycheque” the whole time.

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides is a dreadfully boring movie. It plain sucks.

Like, It took me 3 tries to sit through it. At one point I threw an empty bottle across the room when I saw that I still had 55 minutes left in it.

The love stories are terrible. Penelope Cruz and Ian McShane are kinda lame. Johnny Depp’s shtick is wearing thin. I can’t not see Tommy Wiseau all over Johnny Depp’s continually sloppier and slurrier Jack Sparrow.

The missionary and the mermaid romance was literally the worst romance I have ever seen on screen. Like, he got his first boner ever seeing her boobs and now they’re in love.

The mermaid attack was kind of cool, but then the rest of this whole mermaid people curse plot thing is just boring.

I saw everything in the plot coming about 20-40 minutes early.

Like, this movie was even too boring to be background nonsense while I played Roller Coaster Tycoon on my phone and ate mini donuts.

One of the biggest issues is how Jack Sparrow has just the most insane plot armour. Nothing hurts him. Not jumping off a cliff. Not jumping off a tower. Not any of that ridiculous chase scene. Not any of the moronic escape scene.

It was endearing when like some minor level of absurd hijinks worked in his favour, but its too many bananas when Jack is Assassin’s Creed-ing across the landscape where every action creates a cascade of other actions that perfectly create the exact calamity and circumstances for the wacky outcome to happen flawlessly. And then to follow it with a joke thats basically Jim Halpert staring into the camera.

There is a lot of fun ideas, but a bit of simple grounding would have gone a long way to make this more interesting. It isn’t the subject matter that needs to be realistic. The Fast and Furious movies get bigger and dumber each time and its great.

But but but like maybe a bit more realism when Jack Sparrow is bounding across palm trees and swinging from them like he’s Spider-man. It sucks the tension from tense moments when you know he’s going to slip on a banana, somersault into a cow that kicks a pig who runs into windmill that falls over with the sails doing skateboard tricks that launch a coconut into space hitting the moon that changes the tides so Jack’s tumbling body lands perfectly behind the wheel of a ship before anyone can catch him. Or whatever.

Sometimes the human kickstarted rube goldberg machine is fun. But not in almost every chase/escape/action sequence. Less is more. Ant-Man doesn’t have Michael Pena doing his story telling gag 2, 3, 5, 69 times a film.

The generic Spaniards were possibly the most interesting part of the movie. And they were generic nerds.

Sword fights are cool.

How can you drink from chalices that are shattered? Like the metal lip edge of the cup have giant gaps between the stone cup portion. But the characters just shoved them towards their faces. You wouldn’t have drank squat with that cup. Like eating soup with a fork.

This movie just sucks. It isn’t worth the commitment unless you’re really a big Pirates of the Caribbean fan.

But honestly, singing water demon creature. Name: Syrena. Like serene beauty but also a siren. Seriously, that subplot was an instant “don’t care” and it never made me care.

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Deadpool 2 Doesn’t Care About Anything

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If you can forgive me for a hot minute here, Deadpool 2 gives no fucks.

I apologise so much. Please forgive me for using one bad word in this review of a movie that drops a bad word per minute.

Do you know if this movie is better than the first one? I don’t, and I don’t think the movie cares to be better or worse. It just wants to be the new Deadpool movie. This is a Guardians 1 vs Guardians 2 thing. So its good but I don’t know if its better but it could be but it could not be but it totally could be.

One thing that is important to remember is that this is an R rated comedy first and an R rated action movie second with super “hero” syrup all over and inside its crevices.

If you liked Deadpool then you’ll like Deadpool 2. Simple. If you weren’t a fan of the first one, well I guess it depends why but DP2 probably won’t tickle your jimmies. There is all the swearing, brutal violence, blood, dismemberment, jokes, irreverence and meta-references that you would expect. Every scene with a serious tone is completely cut out by jokes, but this is still a bit more of a movie with plot and characters and motivation and all that sort of jazz. Definitely tried a little harder to make more of a narrative than “guy kills dude to save girlfriend”.

After seeing so many super hero movies that were massive in scale with save the world/change the world/save the universe level plots across X-Men, the MCU and the DCEU, its nice change to get a self contained, small, this-only-matters-to-these-characters level stories. The stakes are really only relevant to those on-screen. Sure, there might be some larger implications if you really think about it, but they’re never stated. The implications that are stated are small time, but that makes the stakes personal and better for a plot involving a bunch of selfish characters.

Its also nice to have a movie that doesn’t take itself seriously in a time where most blockbusters with ridiculous premises are also trying to be like “BUT THIS IS REAL LIFE!”

Deadpool and Ant-Man is a team up I want to see.

They made a great creative use of Deadpool’s powers in the first film, and with an expanded cast they really find more ways to do it again. Domino is a lot of fun. Thanos Josh Brolin Cable is a nice piece of seriousness in a film that dances with the absurd. The kiddos, Colossus and SPOILER all do their thing. TJ Miller disappears frequently which I don’t think will have anyone shedding tears.

I feel like the stuff that they were like “oh yeah this’ll be funny” didn’t land quite as hard as they wanted. There are jokes that are really like “THIS IS A JOKE JOKE” but some of the more mundane jokes and moments were some of the best. The cameos were fun.

I’m curious how much of a movie like this is subtly satire or if they lucked into a few things working themselves out between wrapping the film and then world/cinema/AVENGERS stuff happening. Or maybe I’m totally overthinking some parts.

Some of the funniest parts of the movie were technically after the movie in the after-credits. Make sure you catch those. There isn’t a post-credits so just stick around like 3 minutes.

The soundtrack to the movie is a lot of fun and adds to the overall tone and atmosphere they’re going for. This song is fire.

Ranking rating: One and a half thumbs up out of two thumbs up. If you can still catch it in theatre, aim for a Friday/Saturday/Tuesday crowd as it’ll be more fun with a crowd. If not then have a brownie and enjoy it on demand or Blu-Ray.

Ass Ass Ins Creed: Kinda Ass, and Why Video Game Movies Are Bad

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Before the review, I wanted to let my followers here in on an update. I’m probably moving my work more permanently over to https://creators.co/@AdamPyde

I got recruited to the site and they offered to pay me.

Nothing is really changing, I’m just moving platforms.

Secondly, thanks. Because of everyone that is here and followed me to help promote my posts so they showed up in the algorithm and I’ve gotten this chance.

I really appreciate the people that have bothered to click follow on a random guy in northern Canada’s quickly written and poorly edited movie ramblings.

I’ll post here still, but largely just an anecdote and hyper-link to the Creators platform, where I hope you come follow me.

Assassin’s Creed: I don’t know/5

I don’t even know if I liked this movie. It started off choppy, slow and kinda boring. Got quite good, especially right before the climax, but then ended anticlimactically. A real sequel fisher of an ending.

The more I think of it, the more I’m not surprised that this comes to us from Fox as I can just feel bits of X-Men: Apocalypse and Fantastic Four in the way its put together.

I haven’t paid close attention to the Assassin’s Creed games since the end of Ezio’s time. I own AC3, its in the plastic. I own AC4, its part of my un-downloaded library on Steam.

But I was still a really big fan of the games. Annual releases drained me a bit, and I’ve kinda tuned out of video games in general outside of a few titles. But something that really put me off keeping Assassin’s Creed in my circle of attention was that they stopped having focus on the present day storyline and Desmond. I liked the past, but I liked how it tied to the present just as much. I liked the end goal it presented.

If the reason they started to pare that away from the games was so that it could all go into the movie I just watched, well… maybe it wasn’t such a bad thing. It hits at parts, but it definitely misses too.

Continue reading on Creators.co

2016 Movie Catch Up: Lazer Team, Thadland, Deadpool, Egypt, and Henry

Lazer Team 3/5

It is what it is so your mileage may vary. It’s campy and the acting isn’t terrific, it isn’t bad mind you, but its nothing special. The jokes hit and miss but its a streaming movie worth 90 minutes for some silly sci-fi, by the numbers stuff. Alexandra DeBerry is gorgeous.

Blue Mountain State: Rise of Thadland 3.5/5

It is everything you would expect if you were a fan of the show. If you haven’t seen the show, then think American Pie with some football sprinkled in there. It’s ridiculous, excessive, dumb, hilarious, fun and plain easy to watch. Netflix it right away if you’re into that kind of thing. Its like one of the party episodes of the show cranked up to 10. It’s nice to see all the characters you enjoyed come back together. Similar to the Entourage movie in that sense but way better. Lindsey Sporrer is gorgeous.

Deadpool 4.5/5

It is absurd at points and that is why it works. I was so worried for this movie because I find Deadpool so hit and miss in the comics. I’m glad that the fourth wall breaking was merely himself and other characters weren’t like “Derp, who you talking to?” Everything is taken serious enough that it isn’t a farce, but it swerves against what you have come to expect in superhero movies and then plays it straight other times. I think I’m most please that they made a bunch of “dumb” jokes without it devolving into some fart poop humour style movie. It’s just so different. Morena Baccarin is gorgeous.

Gods of Egypt 1.5/5

Is it stupid? Yes. Does it suck? Yes. Does it suck in a good way? Yes. Why? Because its a dumb PS2 game from like 2004. The CG quality comes and goes, but whatever. If you want a dumb movie to enjoy because its dumb then watch it. Only issue is 3D giving you a headache if you don’t have prime seats. But its long gone from theaters so Netflix it. Courtney Eaton is gorgeous.

Hardcore Henry 3/5

Another film where your mileage may vary. I’m into the goofy dumb action style, if you haven’t noticed, and this does it in a new way. There is a twist at the end. The story is there to get you from action scene to action scene. Seeing action scenes and sequences from first person is new and exciting. Wasn’t a huge fan of CG blood squibs as they are a bit jarring in a movie with so many practical effects, but oh well. Haley Bennett is gorgeous.

To Come:
– Keanu (April 29)
– Captain America: Civil War (May 6)
– Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out Of The Shadows (June 3)
– Popstar: Never Stop Singing (June 3)
– Warcraft (June 10)
– Independence Day: Resurgence (June 24)
– The Secret Life of Pets (July 8)
– Star Trek Beyond (July 15)
– Jason Bourne (July 29)
– Suicide Squad (August 5)
– Sausage Party (August 12)

Maybe’s of the Summer
– Money Master (May 13)
– Neighbours 2 (May 20)
– The Nice Guys (May 20)
– Now You See Me 2 (June 10)
– The Legend of Tarzan (July 1)
– Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates (July 8)
– Ghostbusters (July 15)

Summer Movie Reviews: Now With 100% Tom Cruise

Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation 4/5

I’m happy that Tom Cruise is back and making good movies. He’s been doing well with Mission Impossible and the criminally underrated/under-appreciated/under-everything-ed Edge Of Tomorrow: Live. Die. Repeat.

However… this was legitimately good. Not like best movie of the summer good, but definitely top five of the summer good.

I’m a sucker for spy/espionage movies almost as much as I am for heist movies.

A lot of nuts stuff happens that makes you go “That’s nuts and is unrealistic!” but at the same time you find yourself believing it because Tom Cruise is basically a super hero when he is Ethan Hunt.

Fun fact: I’ve been watching these movies since the first one and always thought his name was Ethan Hawke.

There is some real neat cinematography. There are excellent practical effects and stunts. There are lots of swanky setups/payoffs.

The plot is simple enough and you’ve seen it before in spy movies. There is a secret spy organization that is evil and the good secret spy organization needs to stop them. And its really fun to watch because it keeps hitting you with swerves and surprises.

There is a real snazzy opera scene. A thrilling underwater scene. A woohoo car and motorbike chase. The climax involves some awesome non-action. Its hard to dislike anything because its so much fun.

I also think that this one is the funniest of the series. The humour isn’t hitting you over the head, but its more dry delivery of lines and some visual gags. I like that.

Go see it. Tom Cruise does real good Tom Cruise-ing.

Previously:

To come this summer/year:

  • Straight Outta Compton, August 14
  • American Ultra, August 21
  • Hitman: Agent 47, August 21
  • Pan, October 9
  • Goosebumps, October 16
  • James Bond: Spectre, November 6
  • The Peanuts Movie, November 6
  •  The Martian, November 27
  • Star Wars: The Force Awakens, December 18
  • Before We Go, September 4 (or something?)