2016 Summer Of Movies: X-Men: Apoca-bloops

X-Men: Apocalypse 3.25/5

The Good: There really is like 80% of a kickass, great movie here. More or less right up until the final whammo the movie is just killing it.

James McAvoy and Michael Fassbender steal the show. Duh. They’re great actors. Fassbender especially makes a lot of the movie his. One day a dedicated fan will make some kind of Magneto solo movie super-cut from all the films and that’ll be a sight to see.

I actually liked how Apocalypse played it really straight and there wasn’t all this nuance to him. I can understand why people may want to see the villain be more Riddler or Loki, but sometimes it works better to play it straight. And its straight in more of a Ras Al Ghul direction than a Ronan The Accuser way.

Quicksilver is radical. The visualization of his super speed is terrific.

I enjoyed the second act. A lot. Although the tone is considerably different than most of the film which may put some people off.

Storm is actually cool. Give me more of Storm and less of Mystique.

The whole new generation of mutants is cool and really reminds me of the 2000-03 cartoon. Cyclops is cool enough because he isn’t opposite Wolverine. New Jean Grey has some potential. Nightcrawler is an awkward, three fingered, blue, teleporting, German demon and its delightful. If they bring to life some more of those teenage characters from that cartoon I’ll be really happy.

The final fight where mutants square off is actually pretty well done. There is set ups from early in the film that pay off.

I really enjoyed the prologue except for one really blatantly absurd thing which I’ll note in a spoiler tag below.

There was a lot of little in universe stuff that only dorks are gonna pick up on. *raises hand*

The Bad: There were scenes where I felt like I was watching a Star Wars prequel because it was like 90% CG used to make the shot. Now, this may seem strange coming from a guy who loves to watch Iron Man and Spider-Man go through the sky, but it looked so fake here in a way that was jarring. I’m not a huge 3D fan and I think that the glasses make CG easier to spot.

Jennifer Lawrence is blah. They gave her a big role because she is a star, but I just have never been able to get into her acting. It seems so phony to me. Mystique works better when she’s being selfish, not trying to be Aragorn/Luke Skywalker.

For apparently the strongest and most bad-ass mutant ever, Apocalypse sure gets punked. He has powers he never uses properly. He can vapourize humans, but with mutants he’d rather just minorly inconvenience them.

The final confrontation was fine, but I think for non-comics people it is a bit of “Wut?” that might miss the mark. There is a lot going on. Some of it good, some of it bad.

Psylocke :/

At one point in the film I took my 3D glasses off and just stared at the wall to let my eyes rest. I really am not a fan of 3D unless I’m literally in the perfect seat.

Final thoughts: It isn’t a great film or an all time classic, but it is good. It has its hits and misses, so your mileage of enjoyment may vary if you’re a stickler. It sets things off in a nice direction for the new team.

As far as super hero ensembles go this year, its solidly in the two slot and I don’t see myself souring on this film like I have Bats v Supes.

It had the potential to crack a dinger out of the park, but settled for a ground rule double.

Highlight to see following spoiler: HOW DID THEY JUST LET MAGNETO GO AT THE END? HE LITERALLY WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE DEATH OF MILLIONS! HE DESTROYS LIKE THREE CITIES NO PROBLEMO AND THEN AT THE END HIM AND CHARLES BASICALLY FIST BUMP AND SAY “UNTIL NEXT TIME HOMIE. MUCH LOVE”. Angel didn’t really murder anyone, Psylocke might have killed one person, Storm just stole a basket and like an apple. But Magneto goes full super murderer.

Hit me with your thoughts. Did you super dig it or was it more like a-POO-calypse of the franchise?


To Come:

  • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out Of The Shadows (June 3)
  • Popstar: Never Stop Singing (June 3)
  • Warcraft (June 10)
  • Independence Day: Resurgence (June 24)
  • The Secret Life of Pets (July 8)
  • Star Trek Beyond (July 15)
  • Jason Bourne (July 29)
  • Suicide Squad (August 5)
  • Sausage Party (August 12)

2016 Movie Catch Up: Lazer Team, Thadland, Deadpool, Egypt, and Henry

Lazer Team 3/5

It is what it is so your mileage may vary. It’s campy and the acting isn’t terrific, it isn’t bad mind you, but its nothing special. The jokes hit and miss but its a streaming movie worth 90 minutes for some silly sci-fi, by the numbers stuff. Alexandra DeBerry is gorgeous.

Blue Mountain State: Rise of Thadland 3.5/5

It is everything you would expect if you were a fan of the show. If you haven’t seen the show, then think American Pie with some football sprinkled in there. It’s ridiculous, excessive, dumb, hilarious, fun and plain easy to watch. Netflix it right away if you’re into that kind of thing. Its like one of the party episodes of the show cranked up to 10. It’s nice to see all the characters you enjoyed come back together. Similar to the Entourage movie in that sense but way better. Lindsey Sporrer is gorgeous.

Deadpool 4.5/5

It is absurd at points and that is why it works. I was so worried for this movie because I find Deadpool so hit and miss in the comics. I’m glad that the fourth wall breaking was merely himself and other characters weren’t like “Derp, who you talking to?” Everything is taken serious enough that it isn’t a farce, but it swerves against what you have come to expect in superhero movies and then plays it straight other times. I think I’m most please that they made a bunch of “dumb” jokes without it devolving into some fart poop humour style movie. It’s just so different. Morena Baccarin is gorgeous.

Gods of Egypt 1.5/5

Is it stupid? Yes. Does it suck? Yes. Does it suck in a good way? Yes. Why? Because its a dumb PS2 game from like 2004. The CG quality comes and goes, but whatever. If you want a dumb movie to enjoy because its dumb then watch it. Only issue is 3D giving you a headache if you don’t have prime seats. But its long gone from theaters so Netflix it. Courtney Eaton is gorgeous.

Hardcore Henry 3/5

Another film where your mileage may vary. I’m into the goofy dumb action style, if you haven’t noticed, and this does it in a new way. There is a twist at the end. The story is there to get you from action scene to action scene. Seeing action scenes and sequences from first person is new and exciting. Wasn’t a huge fan of CG blood squibs as they are a bit jarring in a movie with so many practical effects, but oh well. Haley Bennett is gorgeous.

To Come:
– Keanu (April 29)
– Captain America: Civil War (May 6)
– Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out Of The Shadows (June 3)
– Popstar: Never Stop Singing (June 3)
– Warcraft (June 10)
– Independence Day: Resurgence (June 24)
– The Secret Life of Pets (July 8)
– Star Trek Beyond (July 15)
– Jason Bourne (July 29)
– Suicide Squad (August 5)
– Sausage Party (August 12)

Maybe’s of the Summer
– Money Master (May 13)
– Neighbours 2 (May 20)
– The Nice Guys (May 20)
– Now You See Me 2 (June 10)
– The Legend of Tarzan (July 1)
– Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates (July 8)
– Ghostbusters (July 15)

Summer Movie Reviews: Now With 100% More Terrible August Movies

Shaun The Sheep 4/5

This was a lot of fun. Its definitely aimed for kids but can be enjoyed by all ages. There isn’t one line of dialogue in the film but you know exactly what is happening at all times. Great music and sound effects. Its funny and charming and good. Sheep do good!

Hitman: Agent 47 1.5/5

More like Shitman.

This movie personifies why video game movies are bad. Because the person making the film has no idea what makes the game itself good. They just think “Video games means explosions and nonsense action and ridiculous fights” where it doesn’t always mean that.

Hitman is a game about strategy and being methodical. It’s like Jason Bourne when he’s doing his infiltrating and not fighting. This movie is a CGI turd.

American Ultra 2/5

It wasn’t that it was terrible. Just that it wasn’t good. It has nothing to do with “being an original idea” or whatever whiny excuse you have, because it isn’t original.

Its just lame. The tone is weird and the way some characters are written don’t make a lick of sense at times. Some movies get away with that because there is enough charisma and charm to make up for it. This doesn’t have that.

We Are Your Friends 2/5

Emily Ratajkowski is gorgeous.

As for the movie, it is Entourage but not as charming or good or interesting.

Group of friends want to become each their own part of a touring DJ thing. Stage manager, booking manager, DJ, etc. and then they meet a girl as they go around performing.

I got the feeling this was written a few years ago when EDM was really trending up and they were just late to getting this out. It probably would have done better then.

Transporter: Re-fueled 1.5/5

Any movie that has the sub-title of “Re-” anything is terrible. Reloaded, refueled, revenge, retribution, recharged, etc. Terrible.

It isn’t even a dumb action movie you can enjoy for being dumb. Its just another film with noise and crap flying everywhere and poor pacing.

Never thought I’d find myself saying “Gee I sure miss Jason Statham!”


To come this summer/year for shizzle:

  • James Bond: Spectre, November 6
  • The Peanuts Movie, November 6
  • Star Wars: The Force Awakens, December 18


Jurassic World 4/5

Dinosaurs are cool. /end

The movie is really good. It is a very worthy sequel and its just a whole lot of fun to watch. The movie serves as far more of a sequel to Jurassic Park and kind of ignores 2 and 3, as it should.

I was quite skeptical going in because I expected all sorts of stupid turns (Chris Pratt riding a raptor, Chris Pratt hero-man kills evil dino, Chris Pratt becomes half dino to defeat the evil dino) and none of them happened!

It is a great monster movie. There is suspense, it is thrilling, a little bit scary, strong pacing and lots of people got punked by dinosaurs.

Chris Pratt as the raptor whisperer was not nearly as silly as I thought. It was actually really smart, well done and almost touching.

There were a few scenes that had set ups or payoffs that never quite came back around which makes me figure some bits were cut but it doesn’t really affect the movie as a whole.

Social commentary, eh. Man is not meant to mettle, animals aren’t people, “bio” weapons, etc. Meh. That stuff serves well to make some characters you do not like, and give other characters enough reasons to hate their guts.

It even gets a bit meta with the whole “Dinosaurs aren’t as wow as they used to be so we gotta raise the stakes” like as to say “You’ve all seen Jurassic Park and were like ‘meh’ at dinosaurs in JP2 so now we’re doing mini-Godzilla”.

It would have been awesome to have Jeff Goldblum come back and go “God dammit, guys. What did I tell you!” The only returning character was the Asian geneticist.

Holy crap, that end scene was amazing. BAM! POW! BANG! ❤

As I was walking out of the theatre, all I heard was “Wow, that was good!”, “Dinosaurs are cool”, “I really enjoyed that”, etc.

Unless you’re some kind of horrible purist, you’ll like the movie.

Other reviews


To come this summer/year:

  • Antman, July 17
  • Fantastic Four, August 7
  • Hitman: Agent 47, August 28
  • Star Wars: The Force Awakens, December 18

Maybe to come this summer/year:

  • Ted 2, June 26
  • Terminator: Genysis, July 1
  • Minions, July 10
  • Pixels, July 24
  • Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation, July 31
  • Goosebumps, October 16