Summer Movie Reviews: Now With 100% More Fantastic Plops

Fantastic Four 1.5/5

One of my favourite things about the Fantastic Four is that in the Marvel Universe, and the Fox Marvel Universe, is that citizens celebrate people like Spiderman, Captain America and The Fantastic Four (all super powered heroes) but hate the X-Men because they have powers that are weird.

Moving on. There are certain comic book characters I splooge for. There are even fewer villains I splooge for. Dr. Doom is one of those villains. He is so evil it is so cool man he is so evil yes so evil.

Did you know that at one point in the comics he did a big long thing to be granted one single wish. Is it kill Reed Richards? Is it rule the world? Nope, it is to eliminate his conscious so he can reach ultimate evil potential. Like rip the head off a baby and eat it like an apple level of evil.

Unfortunately, none of this happens. The movie almost really never happens.

Its a shame too, because the cast is generally charismatic and this is still the best movie of Marvel’s first family we have in ways. But, it just plops.

It makes me really sad. I quite liked the characters and the actors, but the story plops. The pacing plops.

There is stuff that is done right. Characterization to a degree. Enough of the evil military thing but without it getting into the “too” ridiculous territory. It has a good movie in there somewhere with a bit of editing and adjustments (if they were to reshoot/rewrite parts). It plops all over.

Its like the movie has this conversation with you

Movie: “Build build build build…”
You: “Okay this is cool. I like it!”
Movie: “Build build build build…”
You: “Okay, still invested.”
Movie: “The end bye for now see you later alligator”

It goes straight from “Oh that’s quite good” to “What the f*** is that?” which is probably the result of rumoured studio meddling because this has shades of Wolverine Origins.

There is some really interesting stuff they could have done, but they didn’t. And there is tons of uninteresting stuff they did, but didn’t have to.

There weren’t as many lame jokes as I expected. No “Gosh Reed, you sure try to stretch yourself too far!” or “Johnny, you’re such a hot-head!” etc.

Its a shame that this movie is going to get dumped on by critics and viewers leading to poor receipts because its better than, or at least equal to, a lot of money-factory garbage like Transformers or Grown Ups.

Its better than The Amazing Spiderman 2, in ways. I like how they tried to justify Dr. Doom’s costume and the outfits the team wore in general. I liked watching Dr. Doom murder people.

But, it just plopped.

Previously:

• Pixels 1.5/5
• Trainwreck 2/5
• Ant-Man 3.5/5
• Inside Out 5/5
• Ted 2 3/5
• Terminator: Genisys 2.5/5
• Jurassic World 4/5
• Entourage 3/5
• San Andreas 3/5
• Mad Max: Fury Road 5/5
• Avengers: Age of Ultron 4.5/5

To come this summer/year:

• Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation, July 31
• Straight Outta Compton, August 14
• The Man From U.N.C.L.E., August 14
• American Ultra, August 21
• Hitman: Agent 47, August 28
• Pan, October 9
• Goosebumps, October 16
• James Bond: Spectre, November 6
• The Peanuts Movie, November 6
•  The Martian, November 27
• Star Wars: The Force Awakens, December 18
• Before We Go, September 4 (or something?)