Top 10 Best Movies of 2014

These are my best “get off your butt and go see them please!” movies of 2014.


10. Big Hero 6 
– It is not a comic book movie. It uses the name of a comic book but it is super loosely related. Its really just a Disney property. It was fun to watch and it gave you feels. I need to watch more Disney animation movies. They’re always awesome.


9. Birdman 
– Michael Keaton was really good in this sorta-biopic of himself. But Ed Norton steals the show. Emma Stone rocks in it. It has a good story. Its nice to watch a movie that just has actors doing their acting thing without all sorts of ish going nuts. I really enjoy movies when they just have great actors doing great acting.


8. 22 Jumpstreet 
– I need a comedy and this was the best comedy I saw this year. It avoided turning into a giant turd, huge accomplishment. I’m usually bothered when movies make nods to the sequel, like a lot, but here they were legitimately funny and not hamfisted like Dumb and Dumber To or the Pirates sequels. It was funny and fun and I like Jonah Hill.


7. John Wick 
– I find Keanu Reeves kind of laughable as an actor. He’s really good at being clueless and I find he needs to lean on other actors in his movies to get to a high level. Well, here he kills it primarily on his own. Suspense, thrill, action. Fun stuff.


6. The Lego Movie 
– EVERYTHING IS AWESOME! EVERYTHING IS COOL WHEN YOU’RE PART OF A TEAM! EVERYTHING IS AWESOME! WHEN WE’RE LIVING OUR DREAM!

This movie is awesome.


5. Guardians of the Galaxy 
– I love how hammy this movie is, but still somehow keeps it serious. Ronan playing it straight is a great juxtaposition to our group of alien misfits. This is a movie that really should have only been “okay” but everything clicks. I’m always impressed when a movie manages to fit everyone in without cutting anyone short.


4. Nightcrawler 
– I’m fascinated by sociopaths. This movie stars a sociopath and follows that descent as it gets worse and worse. So neat to see all the moral issues and qualms others have that surround Gyllenhaal. It makes me wonder just how close this is to real life, and considering some of the crazy stories I’ve heard it doesn’t seem very far off.


3. Dawn of the Planet of the Apes 
– The best Apes movie I’ve ever seen. The way the apes talk but its all in their own language. I really liked how it depicted society post-apocalypse, which is something I love to see. I like seeing different “end of the world” scenarios. I think this movie is legitimately worth of an Oscar nomination for best picture (especially since they’re opening the voting to 10 films). Caesar rules.


2. Snowpiercer 
– Post-apocalypse. The world sucks. Everyone lives on this train. Poor people vs rich people. Revolution lead by Captain America! And instead of messing up dudes with a shield, he ruins their day with an ax! AN AX! HE STRAIGHT UP PUNKS PEOPLE WITH AN AX! Furthermore, the concept is just so cool and well executed. You gotta see it.


1. Captain America: The Winter Soldier 
– This is probably the best Marvel movie ever made. Non-Joss Whedon Black Widow is best Black Widow. I love this kind of action where it is punches and kicks (Cap definitely doesn’t skip leg day) as it has so much more impact than Iron Man blasting dudes. It was so well directed and written. I can watch this movie on repeat.

Top 5 Anticipated Video Games of 2015

2015

These are the games giving me gamer wood for the next 12 months.

HM. Mirrors Edge 2 – I just hope EA doesn’t have it go all GUNS GUNS and just keeps it to the first game but just newer and better.

5. Witcher 3: Wild Hunt – Curious to see how this turns out. I really do wonder if they are in above their heads. I liked Witcher 2 but I wasn’t quite blown away by it. I’m really beginning to tire of “shades of grey” decision-making in games. Not everyone can do it like TellTale. But this will be my 2015 time-sink RPG the same way Dragon Age: Inquisition was.

4. Rise of the Tomb Raider – The first game was fun. I hope this one is more fun. I liked how in Tomb Raider Lara wasn’t already asskicker 3000 but you had to build her up to it. It controlled well and the puzzles were fun. More of that with a better, or at least less predictable, story and I’ll be very happy.

3. Kingdom Hearts 3 – Kingdom Hearts is just plain fun. I used to play KH2 with my ex-girlfriend and it was just plain fun. Swimming around with Ariel and Goofy. I’m PUMPED to see what the Marvel Universe world and Star Wars world bring to this game. Even curious about Tangled/Frozen/Big Hero 6. Fun must be always!

2. Arkham Knight – Batman is awesome. The Batman games are pretty good. I loved Asylum. Loved parts of City and Origins. As much as I’m put off by the Bat-Tank, I still can’t wait to break legs and hang baddies upside down. I love the combat so much. If they can take some of what works from Shadow of Mordor and incorporate it back into this game… holy moly! My pants are tight…

1. Mortal Kombat X – I am buying a PS4 just for this game. I can’t wait to rip people into small pieces. I love Mortal Kombat so much. Can’t wait to see where the story goes. Sub Zero 4 lyfe! Scorpion blows.

Top 5 Totally Fine-Whatever Movies of 2014

These are my “See them if you want I guess. You probably won’t hate yourself and might even enjoy yourself” movies of 2014.


HM. Intersellar 
– I didn’t know where else to put this, but it was the worst-best movie of the year. Its good, but it never quite reaches that level of “HOLY MOLY!” that I they were definitely targeting and I really feel it suffers from that. Its 2 hours of science mumbo jumbo that is interesting even as it wanes, then like an hour of Star Trek. Also, 3 hours long basically. What happened to good old 2 hour run times? Still good, but just not great and I wanted great.


5. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 
– Scores here because its more bad movie then good movie. Could easily be on the bad list but… Ninja Turtles man! Like yeah, Michelangelo is a creep but Raphael is a badass. You can tell it was chock full of reshoots. There is too much Megan Fox but… Ninja Turtles man! There’s just enough of the spirit in there.


4. Robocop 
– As far as 2014-ing a movie goes, I thought they did a really good job. You can’t have a guy get shot to shit no more or you get an R rating and end up like Dredd – great movie, but no one saw it because of the R rating. It wasn’t great, but it was good. If you want to watch a neat robo-CGI action movie go grab this instead of Transformers.


3. Hercules 
– This is the perfect The Rock movie. If you want to watch like 90 minutes of The Rock being jacked and fighting with a club(!) against other dudes, you can’t go wrong. Interesting twist on Greek mythology too. Great bro movie. Great popcorn movie. Kinda forgettable but thats just what it is.


2. Live.Die.Repeat (Edge of Tomorrow) 
– It’s actually really good and Emily Blunt does well. Its a good movie. Strong action. Strong story. Interesting. I’m serious. But… Tom Cruise. I have issues with Tom Cruise, same I have with DiCaprio and Depp, that I don’t see the character, I just see the actor playing dress up or doing an accent.


1. The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies 
– This is the single most “meh” movie I’ve ever seen. I only went because I saw the last two. The Hobbit movies are to the Lord of the Rings movies as kissing a blow-up doll is to kissing the love of your life. Martin Freeman is good and the book elements are good. The fan fiction of the series drives me nuts. I’m excited for the fan edit of all 3 movies thats like 3.5 hours and really good.

Top 5 Worst Movies of 2014

These are my “tripped over their dick and faceplanted in a pile of turds” movies of 2014.


HM – Sin City: A Dame to Kill For 
– Talk about a freaking whiff. The first Sin City just had this aura to it, and it was really good. This movie is… okay? But it just doesn’t quite have that atmosphere the most of all. Eva Green gets plenty naked in it and she’s been in my top 5 since that James Bond movie. I just think this movie was a couple years too late. And it didn’t help that we’ve seen a bunch of movies imitate this style. This spot could’ve gone to the new 300 movie. 2/5


5. Boyhood 
– There isn’t a plot. There is a theme. And its also a pretentious pile of crap. Its not a movie. Its just an achievement. A fap project for Linklater is to say “Look what I did I’m so awesome”. It starts well enough because there is a plot, then there isn’t a plot after he starts to grow up. Felt tossed together in the later years. Bad movie. 2/5


4. Transcendence 
– This might be the most boring movie I’ve seen all year. Pretty sure I’ve seen this concept like 4 times already too, just in cinema and not video games/TV. 1/5


3. Transformers: Age of Extinction 
– Booooooooo. This movie was too damn long and it went back to the well too many times. You know how like once a movie there is the shot of the humans falling and the robot saves them? Happened like 6 times. Also all the creepy stuff with the daughter. And the fact it just sucks. 1/5

amazing-spider-man-2-jamie-foxx-andrew-garfield
2. The Amazing Spiderman 2 
– BOOOOOOOOO! Franchise killer. There is like 3 movies in here with a bunch of generic crap that makes no sense or has no purpose. You know how good movies do a scene early for a payoff later? Tons of that, but no payoff. The villains suck. The plot makes no sense at all. Motivations have no sense.  1/5


1. A Million Ways to Die in the West 
– Frustratingly terrible. Not funny. All the good jokes were in the trailer. Seth McFarlane isn’t a good actor. The script sucks. The jokes repeat themselves repeatedly over and over by being retold repeatedly over and over again and again. “Sequel” issue. “Wow the guy who made Ted! Here’s a bunch of money and ALL THE FREEDOM!” and oh boy it does not work. MacFarlane has no charisma as an actor. 0/5

Top 5 Disappointing Video Games of 2014

disappointing

These were the games that I was interested in buying a new console for, but then just sucked and helped save me like $400+. I guess thanks is in order…

HM. WWE2K15 – It has nothing going for it. Bare bones and the character models still don’t look better than Smackdown vs Raw: 2009. I’d have it higher if it was a yearly purchase for me, but the WWE games are only ever-other-year purchases for me.

5. Murdered: Soul Suspect – Really cool concepts and the story is actually pretty interesting at the fringes. But the main character is boring and I can’t describe him with actual characteristics. He’s cop-man-ghost. But it did have some pretty neat stuff like the lady who was crazy but only because it was how her ghost sister could save her life by invading her brain. Gameplay got boring after like hour 6 of “go here, look at thing, go here, fetch quest”. The game ends with a whimper after starting off pretty darn well.

4. Transformers: Rise of the Dark Spark – I quite enjoyed the previous Transformer games. They were fun. This one just totally whiffs. I don’t know what happened, but all the fun got lost.

3. NHL 15 – I don’t own it, but a friend does. I’ve played it a fair bit when I go to friends houses and play games while waiting to go drink, or when getting back from drinking. What a pile of trash. It basically has no modes and no ancillary features at launch. Also, the wind physics are a little nuts. I feel like the players are in a hair commercial at times because their sweaters are going nuts when they’re totally still.

2. Watch Dogs – There is a good foundation here for Ubisoft to improve on. The hacking is fun but it just kinda turns into GTA-but-not-as-good-as-GTA and the protagonist, whose name I forget – talk about memorable, was super bland. I couldn’t really describe him using anything besides physical features, which is an indictment of their ability to make me care. “He wears a trench coat and a hat.” Also, it’s a giant piece of shit on PC.

1. Destiny – This game is just boring. Thought it’d be the multiplayer game that’d make me buy a console. It controls well, but I never got the “itch” to keep playing. Played about 6-8 hours on my friend’s account and it was a pretty forgettable 8-9 hours. I was never a huge Halo fan, but I couldn’t deny the “woo!” you got from it. Destiny is just grindy, bland and the loot system BLOWS! Plus all that stuff about how the story was basically stripped out and placed in codexes you can only view ON THE INTERNET NOT EVEN IN GAME. Blech.