Summer Movie Review: Now with 100% more Transformers

– Transformers 4: Age of Exinction 2/5

Sigh. Well, its better than Transformers 3, and probably Transformers 2. Its just such a Michael Bay movie. I used to not really care about how crap these were, but then I saw Pacific Rim and now I have a higher standard for giant robot movies.

The movie has all the mindless action you could want and it does look terrific. The 3D works and the shots are all focused nicely. And unlike the earlier movies, you can tell what is happening more often than not. The evil robots are designed nicer and more like robots and not jagged metal creatures.

The characters in this movie at least stick around/get some sense of closure for the most part and my groan-counter capped at like 6 or 7 which is pretty good for Michael Bay. His new jailbait is hot and he makes sure you know that, and Marky Mark >>> Shia Lebouf. Not enough Dinobots.

The plot falls apart, I mean really badly even for a Transformers movie, in the last hour of this 3 hour escapade. I won’t get into spoilers, but its glaring.

All in all, this is a popcorn movie.  But no pop because you’ll have to take a piss, but you probably, who am I kidding, won’t missing anything of consequence.

Other reviews:

A Million Ways to Die in the West 0/5
Godzilla 5/5
X-Men: Days of Future Past  4/5
The Amazing Spiderman 2 1/5
Trailer Park Boys: Don’t Legalize It 4/5
Captain America: The Winter Soldier 5/5
The Raid 3/5
Need for Speed 3/5
300: Rise of an Empire 3/5

To Come

– Son of Batman (DVD) May 6
– Transformers 4: Age of Extinction June 27
– Hercules July 25
– Guardians of the Galaxy August 1
– Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles August 8
– 
Batman: Assault on Arkham (DVD) August 12
– The Expendables 3 August 15
– Sin City: A Dame to Kill For August 22

Ranking the Modern Marvel Movies, 28-18

Gonna rank these bad boys since I’ve seen them all over the last 6 months. Except both Ghost Rider movies, but I heard I didn’t miss anything. And well, you didn’t miss anything with most of these either.

28. Fantastic Four

This movie sucks. They turned Marvel’s First Family into a silly sitcom family. Instead of fighting bad guys, they basically spend the entire movie bickering amongst each other. Its a shame, because Doctor Doom is arguably the greatest comic book villain of all time and he’s just marginalized by everything. The unreleased F4 movie from like 1991 is significantly better.

27. Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer

This movie sucks, but just a bit less because its less sitcom and more terribly done action movie. They actually do superhero stuff and save the world. Doctor Doom is bungled again. Galactus is a… cloud? Why is Reed Richards using his stretching ability to wheel ladies at a nightclub? Blargh, I hope Fox fixes it next time or just give it back to Marvel.

26. Elektra

When I went to HMV to get all the movies I didn’t have or couldn’t get on Netflix, I almost forgot this one existed until I Googled before leaving. Everything is forgettable and I don’t really even know what happened. I wonder how they got this approved after Daredevil.

25. Daredevil

This should have worked better. Daredevil is a great street-level superhero and especially in a time before Iron Man and the Avengers, this could have worked. But, its just not right. Ben Affleck didn’t work here, but I think it was more Fox trying to have their way with the material and “adapt” it for “regular” people. Granted, Michael Clarke Duncan and Colin Farrell do pretty well as villains, but things just aren’t right. All this time and I still can’t figure it out as far as what specifically doesn’t click, but its not good.

24. Punisher

I like the Punisher. I really do. He’s like comic book Max Payne or The Hitman. Like if Batman just gunned everyone down. He should be an interesting, violent, sorta-crazy vigilante, but he was just a boring, goofy caricature without the desire for gunfire and blood he should have. And seriously, getting back at John Travolta by getting him a parking ticket for parking too close to a fire hydrant? This is a dude who is like the angriest, bestest dude at killing in the world with guns, and that’s vengeance?

23. Spiderman 3

I have so many reasons for hating this movie. All the dumb, goofy scenes like dancing and crying. Harry Osborne going nuts. Sandman’s whole “story”. Completely neutering Venom. But most of all, being so bad they rebooted it shortly after into a completely average series of films. This movie sucks.

22. X-MenOrigins: Wolverine

F–k. This movie did a lot of stuff I like with all sorts of mutants and some really cool ideas and Gambit but then everything got dumb and the execution was… well it was poo. The CGI sucks. There are 3 scenes its awful. First, when he’s looking at his claws in the mirror. Second, when he was destroying the fire escape. Third, the whole scene with Patrick Stewart and all the kids running towards him at the end. I want to know who came up with memory bullets, and “The Deadpool”, and Will.I.Am, and everything. Where did Gambit get a plane?

21. X-Men: The Last Stand

The only reason this is higher is because they killed Cyclops who totally sucks but that was only the first of two good things. The second good thing is how many mutants we got to see: Colossus, Shadowcat, Juggernaut, etc. Now onto the bad, such as everything. Its such a mess. The biggest mess. Of all messes. Plot, characters, dialogue, structure, camera work. There is a third good thing though and its honestly amazing how Magneto and Professor X have awful lines, but Ian McKellan and Patrick Stewart deliver them so well they become mediocre. There is also all the action you could ever want to see too, but it can only be so entertaining before it becomes visual noise.

20. The Amazing Spider-Man 2

Another steaming pile of crap. I don’t know where to begin. I guess I’ll start with the good, which is Emma Stone and Emma Stone wearing skirts all movie. Why did we need like 4 villains? Electro sucks. His death makes no sense. Why did he wear boxers and a battery meter? The new Green Goblin is one of the dumbest things I’ve seen in comics. And the plane scene was utterly pointless. And the parents story-line was horribly unsatisfying. And the whole thing just felt like 4 or 5 episodes of a Spiderman TV show played back-to-back and not at all like a movie. Andrew Garfield was up and down and overall meh again. The biggest sin of all is that this movie is “launching” us into the Spider Man Movie Universe. The most pointless and unnecessary movie universe of all movie universes.

19. Hulk

I wanted to like this more. Its really ambitious and is shot almost like a motion comic. Almost a literal comic adaptation. Or even taking a lot of the scenes from the TV show and making them into a movie. But it just doesn’t have any of the “it” factor to be really good. I think it comes down to an issue with the Hulk himself. Hulk is more of an antihero. He doesn’t do well as a hero, because once he turns green he just destroys everything. He doesn’t really have much intelligence as the Hulk which almost makes the action scenes sort of mindless. I think more of it falls on Eric Bana and trying to make Bruce Banner interesting.

18. Punisher Warzone

Punisher - War Zone Now, this movie isn’t terrible as a movie. Guns, explosions, wacky, good camera work. But it never really felt like the Punisher to me for whatever reason, and I just don’t quite know why that is specifically. Felt more like The Expendables before The Expendables. There is all the violence and gore and mess you’d expect from an R rated Punisher, but it didn’t fit. Its been like 10 years and I still can’t pin point exactly what puts me off.

Marvel movies 17-8

Marvel movies 6-1

Summer Movie Review: Now with 100% more Godzooki!

– Godzilla 5/5

Extremely well put together. One of the reasons I liked Pacific Rim so much compared to Transformers is that you knew what was going on. There wasn’t just a bunch of visual and audible noise going nuts all the time. Legendary kept that up in this film.

The sense of scale was very well done to show just how helpless we’d be. Like when a human pours ant-killer in an ant-hill. They can’t do jack because we’re just so much bigger.

Also well done was the fact that the monsters really paid no attention to the humans, let alone the main hero guy. There was only 1 scene where he made eye contact with the monster. One, and it wasn’t long and drawn out and to show how tough humans are. It just happens, and dude craps his pants like all of us would.

The movie does take a while to get going although I didn’t really mind the way I do with other films. There were also tons of small imagery things that I’m not sure how many people but the biggest super-nerds would pick up on.

Note: Imagine if Godzilla/monsters reacted to humans the same way that some people do that are scared of bugs? That would be hilarious.

Note note: I would have loved to be in the pitch meeting. “Okay, Pacific Rim went over well. We did giant monsters v giant robots! Yeah woohoo! So, now, the logical next step is… MONSTERS ONLY AND NO ROBOTS!” (Yes, I know. Godzilla and all but still.)

– A Million Ways to Die in the West 0/5

Awful.

  1. Seth McFarlane isn’t a good actor.
  2. The script sucks.
  3. The jokes repeat themselves repeatedly over and over by being retold repeatedly over and over.
  4. Classic “sequel” issue. “Wow the guy who made Ted! Here’s a bunch of money and ALL THE FREEDOM!” and oh boy it does not work. Ted had a lot of charm to it, this movie is just like having Godzilla blast your ass with his atomic fire breath.

Do not watch.

Other reviews:

X-Men: Days of Future Past  4/5
The Amazing Spiderman 2 1/5
Trailer Park Boys: Don’t Legalize It 4/5
Captain America: The Winter Soldier 5/5
The Raid 3/5
Need for Speed 3/5
300: Rise of an Empire 3/5

To Come

– Son of Batman (DVD) May 6
– Transformers 4: Age of Extinction June 27
– Hercules July 25
– Guardians of the Galaxy August 1
– Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles August 8
– 
Batman: Assault on Arkham (DVD) August 12
– The Expendables 3 August 15
– Sin City: A Dame to Kill For August 22

32 Point Total Diva Review

I have brought my TD review to my blog because I took my ball and went home.

  1. You cannot have a 2-part finale. You have episode 10, and then 11 which is the real finale. Why not call it an 11 part finale?
  2. Natty is a horrible human being.
  3. I wonder how much E! paid those couple dudes to chant “All red everything!”
  4. Loved the dude yelling “You can’t wrestle!” and the fan talking shit right to Eva’s shit face! ❤
  5. Summer is an angel.
  6. Why would Brie invite Summer only to un-invite her? I don’t get it. Summer said “hey thanks DB for telling me that people think I’m sucking all the dicks backstage!” and Brie freaked out. Brie is horrible. She’s as bad as Natty in her entirely own shitty way.
  7. The psychodactyl is also shitty. I really didn’t think when this show started that so many of the girls would be 100% repulsive and just plain awful.
  8. Nikki’s boobs!
  9. The Bella brother is pretty shitty but still not even as shitty as Eva’s 2 fat chodes.
  10. Why do the girls even pretend they don’t know that they’re going to win/lose before a match? Shut up Ass-riane. Fucking cry more and continue to be awful. You’re career is over after your contract.
  11. Vinny’s terrific. I feel bad that he’s dating the messodactyl.
  12. Cena’s a total bro.
  13. Brie “I can’t wait for my music to fill the arena!” The divas came out in a group entrance with generic loser music.
  14. Emma <3333333333333
  15. Summer, you’re an angel. All the other girls are mad bitches to you because you’re successful and they’re all shit at wrestling and have no chance at accomplishing anything else. The Bella’s already failed, Ariane’s single debuted at N/A, same with the regulardactyl. Eva only has looks. Natty is a shit human being.
  16. Ha! The girls got moved to the buffer slot! You’re all useless. “Semi-main” you mean “buffer slot because no one cares because 3 of us in the division have talent”
  17. Looking back, DB’s booking was more protected leading into WM than I gave the WWE credit for. I still don’t think the plan was ever for him to win at WM until Dave flopped horribly though. You’ll never sell me on that.
  18. Eva doesn’t care. If she did she’d practice. “I might not be the best wrestler” you’re not a wrestler. You’re a pretty girl with the athleticism of a bamboo stick.
  19. Ellis!
  20. I feel bad for anyone that has to sell Eva’s offence. Stiff is sometimes a compliment in wrasslin. Can make moves look extra painful. She’s just plain stiff like she’s suffering through arthritis.
  21. Ladies, you did not “get the crowd back into it”
  22. Brie is ass in the ring. “AAHHHHHHHHHH” *crowd dies*
  23. I want to know where Cena gets his suits. He has nice suits. Great patterns.
  24. I feel like I know what Cena’s going through. Every time my grandmother visits/calls/emails she asks when she’s getting more great grand kids. :/
  25. Bella mom looks like a coug.
  26. Who made DB’s suit/tux? That thing is gross. Learn to dress, dawg.
  27. I hope my wedding is less shitlordy than that abomination. Fucking women ruin everything.
  28. Damn, Vinny has a sick suit on too. Armani?
  29. I hope Cena never proposed to Nikki.
  30. White people dancing…
  31. I fucking hate Brie.
  32. Summer was criminally underused this season. She’s one of the most personable people on the entire show.
  33. I’m not coming back to HB.